Visibility and Vulnerability

Why being seen matters

I’ve just had one of those weekends where, my brain decided to run through it’s greatest hits (including ‘you’re an awful person’, everyone hates you’ and ‘you’re a fraud who knows nothing’) on repeat. Luckily some joyful community connections have put an end to it now. But I have been thinking about what has been going on lately that has led to this playlist from the past resurfacing with such vigour.

An easy answer is that, as a result of having a book out next year, I am feeling a little more pressure to be professionally visible and so am pushing myself to step out of my comfort zone more regularly than I have in a while. As a result, I am being perceived more than usual (I even shared new pictures of myself) and it is tapping into a lot of Little Louise’s insecurities from growing up as a queer, unrecognised neurodivergent kid in the times of Section 28 and girls not being autistic. I’m also aware that the experience of parts of my identity being unknown, unrepresented and in some cases unspeakable, are feeling closer to some of the debates that are happening around me now than they have in a while as once again I am told both that I am too much and not enough to take up space.

There is also a tension that exists within my profession, where self-disclosure is generally seen as something to be very cautious about (if you do it at all). It’s something that comes up a lot in my work as a supervisor and trainer working with other queer and/or neurodivergent folk.

I believe that self-disclosure can be an incredibly powerful therapeutic tool, when done thoughtfully based on what is helpful for the client in front of you. There is no one-size-fits-all rule, because we all benefit from different things.

It is important that we don’t conflate self-disclosure with visibility. If we do, then ‘don’t self-disclose’ can very quickly become ‘don’t be seen’ and when this happens, the vulnerability that is inherent in some forms of visibility can be overwhelming (this has definitely been happening for Little Louise lately).

This is dangerous, because, it is not equally applied to all types of self-disclosure. When the aspect of your identity carries privilege in our society it seems to stop being an issue at all, in fact it isn’t even noticed a lot of the time. No one has ever commented on my whiteness being displayed or my accent which gives away where I grew up, or my cisness, or that I am married (unless I mention I have a wife, instead of a husband). These have felt unproblematic, yet talking openly about my queerness of neurodivergence sometimes evokes a different response.

These days, I’ve learnt that, despite the urge to run away and hide when the vulnerability feels to much, the real solution is to reach out and find connection. When Little Louise felt alone, unseen and mis-understood, the thing that helped was community, she needed examples of different ways of being, frameworks and language that she could sort through to try and make sense of her own experience. The thing she needed most, was the thing that was hardest to find; safety, acceptance, understanding and community.

This is the real reason why I continue to risk the vulnerability that is inherent in any form of visibility. Why I put up with my brain reaching back to old responses in an attempt to get me to find safety in being small or unseen.

It is because it was what I needed, and what I still need.

It was the thing that made the biggest difference when I was figuring out my queerness and again when I was exploring my neurodivergence, it was finding the people that had walked similar paths before that helped the most. Not because they had all the answers, but because they showed me that there was a different path.

It’s why I’ll keep talking about all of it, the joyful, the messy, the parts that still carry the most shame, the parts that make some people feel uncomfortable. Because Little Louise still needs to hear that who we are is ok, and that we’re allowed to take up space.

And maybe we can be the person we needed for someone else.

Tickets now available for my upcoming Reflective Workshop on creating a neuro-affirming practice.

Suggested investment £20, recording tickets also available.