I relate to a lot of this Louise - I often find a song and listen to it over and over - but this part was a 100% relate:
“ I had been such a high masker for years, I went into a situation and asked who am I supposed to be in this moment, which parts of me is it safe to share here. And as a queer, geeky autistic woman, often there were not many parts that felt safe, so I learnt to edit myself for others comfort.”
Im not certain about my cliffs or bridges. I guess I gained the knowledge of my creativity through taking a leap which in turn means this Substack and community. I need to think more about it.
I often have songs that turn into auditory stims, I’ll listen to them incessantly for days, weeks or months and suddenly won’t bother with them again. They don’t all have such powerful meanings to me, but they bring me joy!
Not everyone has cliffs (or that imagery isn’t right for us all), but I’m glad you found your community.
It took me a long time to ask who I wanted to be rather than who I thought I should be, but it has been an incredibly important and liberating part of my unmasking journey.
So relatable, Louise. Indeed, Landslide and most of Fleetwood Mac helped me to cross bridges more safely and with more certainty after my diagnosis. There were also times when another old favourite of mine, Tom Petty's Freefallin, reminded me of the rush I felt to step into my new identity too quickly and to actually remask myself as an autistic.
I was like lost in translation of myself to myself. In that freefall space, my autistic impostor was wondering if I was actually autistic enough to be autistic! Bungee jumps with my new-found crisis of identity.
My masked autistic bouncing back to knee and neck jerking reactive coping mechanisms to neurotypical ways of being and the unmasked autistic hanging by a thread searching in all that open space up in the air trying to find me.
I am 2 years diagnosed and have the gift of knowing this weekend with my autism-versary.
It is still a bit of a combined landslide and freefall, but at least I know better now how to catch myself and cross over more safely. It is truly wonderful.
I also have three tattoos from prior to my diagnosis, but they also remind me of significant life transitions that have undoubtedly given me the strength to navigate the autistic identity crisis with the grace and self-compassion I needed.
I remember that feeling of freefall and desperately trying to find something that felt real and secure to attach too, before I realised that I had to come back to my self.
It is definitely not a linear process, but I feel so much more equipped to manage it these days, mostly because I do feel secure in my own identity in a way I don't think I had for decades prior to starting this journey. Becoming aware of my neurodivergence was such a huge part of what I needed to really understand myself, it was a framework I could hang so much that I knew, but didn't understand, on.
I'm so pleased that you have found your own ways to navigate these paths.
and it's always lovely to hear from another Fleetwood Mac fan!
I relate to a lot of this Louise - I often find a song and listen to it over and over - but this part was a 100% relate:
“ I had been such a high masker for years, I went into a situation and asked who am I supposed to be in this moment, which parts of me is it safe to share here. And as a queer, geeky autistic woman, often there were not many parts that felt safe, so I learnt to edit myself for others comfort.”
Im not certain about my cliffs or bridges. I guess I gained the knowledge of my creativity through taking a leap which in turn means this Substack and community. I need to think more about it.
Thank you for sharing. 🖤
I often have songs that turn into auditory stims, I’ll listen to them incessantly for days, weeks or months and suddenly won’t bother with them again. They don’t all have such powerful meanings to me, but they bring me joy!
Not everyone has cliffs (or that imagery isn’t right for us all), but I’m glad you found your community.
It took me a long time to ask who I wanted to be rather than who I thought I should be, but it has been an incredibly important and liberating part of my unmasking journey.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments 🙏
Yes! I’m the exact same!
I think I know who I want to be but, like you wrote, there’s a part of me that thinks I’m wrong. That’s what I need to work on.
Thank you, Louise! 🖤
So relatable, Louise. Indeed, Landslide and most of Fleetwood Mac helped me to cross bridges more safely and with more certainty after my diagnosis. There were also times when another old favourite of mine, Tom Petty's Freefallin, reminded me of the rush I felt to step into my new identity too quickly and to actually remask myself as an autistic.
I was like lost in translation of myself to myself. In that freefall space, my autistic impostor was wondering if I was actually autistic enough to be autistic! Bungee jumps with my new-found crisis of identity.
My masked autistic bouncing back to knee and neck jerking reactive coping mechanisms to neurotypical ways of being and the unmasked autistic hanging by a thread searching in all that open space up in the air trying to find me.
I am 2 years diagnosed and have the gift of knowing this weekend with my autism-versary.
It is still a bit of a combined landslide and freefall, but at least I know better now how to catch myself and cross over more safely. It is truly wonderful.
I also have three tattoos from prior to my diagnosis, but they also remind me of significant life transitions that have undoubtedly given me the strength to navigate the autistic identity crisis with the grace and self-compassion I needed.
Take good care.
Thank you so much for sharing Pauline.
I remember that feeling of freefall and desperately trying to find something that felt real and secure to attach too, before I realised that I had to come back to my self.
It is definitely not a linear process, but I feel so much more equipped to manage it these days, mostly because I do feel secure in my own identity in a way I don't think I had for decades prior to starting this journey. Becoming aware of my neurodivergence was such a huge part of what I needed to really understand myself, it was a framework I could hang so much that I knew, but didn't understand, on.
I'm so pleased that you have found your own ways to navigate these paths.
and it's always lovely to hear from another Fleetwood Mac fan!