Where do your resources go?

OR the value of getting your nails done

This was supposed to come out a couple of weeks ago, but I’m trying to practice what I preach and so, I’ve been protecting my resources to allow me to do the things that I have to and want to do most.

This meant conserving my energy (physical, cognitive and emotional) in preparation for a trip to London where I got to present at the Pink Therapy conference and do some fun stuff and then giving myself space and time afterwards to rest and replenish my resources before coming back to work. The whole trip was a lesson in managing my resources, parts of it I did well, and other parts provided me with some useful data that can help me in the future.

Resources come in lots of different formats, financial, time, energy, health (physical and mental), Food, Social contacts and connections, education, human support, access to technology, the list could go on.

We all have access to different types of resources depending on many factors (lots of which are out of our control) including our levels of privilege, our backgrounds and upbringing, our geographical location and many more.

For those of us who are neurodivergent our resources can become a second spikey profile, some resources may be harder for us to acquire and inconsistent in their availability. For example I may objectively have the same amount of time on two different days, but if my experience of time is inconsistent I may not get the same benefit from that time on both days. My difficulties with interoceptive awareness means that I may not be able to consistently monitor my physical energy levels and therefore I can’t always rely on my perception of what I do and don’t have capacity for.

Over the last few years I have been gathering more data over what the best use of my resources are, the places where I get the most bang for my buck, although that has changed over the years as my access to resources has changed. In years gone by I had more time and energy and limited financial resource so I would chose options that might require more time, but would save me money (looking through charity shops for clothes, making presents for people, etc.)

Things have switched and these days and chronic illness means energy is in short supply for me (most of it goes into my work) so I have more financial resources (also because my kids are on the way to being self-sufficient’ish’ adults). So now the time and energy I can save by paying for support has a higher value to me (I love my cleaner).

When I was planning my trip I already knew there were things that would make it easier for me. So while I have previously done London trips in a day to attend training I know that now my physical resource is depleted the I wouldn’t have the resource to manage the dysregulation I feel when travelling. I also know that presenting at a conference is a different amount of cognitive energy than attending someone else’s training, so I would need to be more resourced when I arrived than an early morning train would allow.

So the trip was planned with three nights stay so I had time to arrive and acclimatise before the conference and a little time afterwards to enjoy some of the perks of being in London. I also paid extra to stay close to the conference venue and in a travel lodge, because it’s a familiar chain. I did wonder if paying more to have a familiar experience and avoid (some) uncertainty is the autism equivalent of the ADHD tax. What do you think?

Finally I knew that I had the whole week off after the conference so I planned in some rest days and this coincided with the release of a the DnD Lego set which I have been waiting for, so I knew I would spend time with my special interests which helps to replenish some of my cognitive and emotional resource.

All good so far! Until train strikes meant all my careful advance planning went to pot and I had to use resource I couldn’t really spare figuring out alternative travel arrangements which meant moving the trip forward by a day. This also made travel more stressful, as we had to get a train after work, rather than during the day so it was busier (although I remembered to wear my loops on the journey).

I also had to get cancel my nail appointment, which is the definition of a first world problem, but is an important part of my self-care and maintenance. Having pretty nails, which bring me joy every time I look at them, and spending the time with my amazing nail tech (and friend) Alison helps me to stay regulated and resourced. (This has now been rectified and my sharks have been replaced with Star Wars)

Nails by @classyandfabulousbeautycrewe

The trip went well, but I walked too much, forgot how exhausting in-person events are for me and by the final day I was in a fatigue flare up and desperate to get home.

This was balanced by, visiting some amazing and affirming spaces (The Vagina Museum and Queer Britain Exhibition were amazing), getting to connect with a friend and colleague that I’ve only known online up to now, reiving lovely feedback from colleagues about my contributions to the conference, discovering a fab craft beer place where I got to drink some amazing stout (another special interest).

Overall the trip was a success, but a reminder that I am still overly optimistic about what is reasonable for me to do, and that because of my low interoceptive awareness I struggle to be able to respond to my needs in the moment. I know that I am not as rested and well resourced as I usually am after a week off, so I’ve been trying to put down as many things as I can while still trying to engage in the things that bring me joy and support me in having a balanced and sustainable life.

I know for the next few weeks I’ll have to meet myself where I am.

We’ll have more low-demand food (stuffed pasta and pre-prepared stir-fry is back to being the backbone of my diet).

I’m living in my comfy joggers and jumpers.

I’m spending most of my down time on the sofa watching Star Trek: Voyager (my current comfort show)

I’m wearing my weighted hoodie a lot.

Early bedtimes and naps are encouraged.

I’m acknowledging that I’m easily dysregulated and making space for those feelings without blame or shame.

I can already feel the benefits of doing these tings and I can feel how slowly I am regaining more resource and capacity to do things (I even read my book in bed this week). I’m trying to practice what I preach by being gentle with myself and listening to what I need right now, because I know if I do more things will become possible overtime (and I’ve already agreed to attend another conference in October, although not in London).

I’d love to know what helps you to build resource and how you protect what you have.