Why Celebrating The Wins Can Be So Hard

or Why I can't put 'I got a Book Deal' as the main headline.

Why does it feel so hard to talk about the good stuff that happens?

A few months ago I was approached by a publisher who wanted to talk about the possibility of me writing a book. It was completely unexpected and while part of me was very excited, a bigger part didn’t think it would come to anything, and I didn’t tell many people about it.

Fast forward a few very chaotic months and I signed a a deal to turn my course, Supporting Neurodivergent Wellbeing, into a workbook for professionals who work with ND folks.

Writing a book had always been on my ‘maybe someday, but probably never’ list of things I would like to do, so signing the contract was one of the most exciting things to happen to me professionally.

An yet, I’ve struggled to share this amazing news and it’s got me thinking about how often I (and many of the people I work with) find it hard to talk about the positives and how our ND brains might be involved in this reluctance to celebrate the wins.

My monotropic, autistic brain wants to be able to focus on just one thing, I want to immerse myself in a deep dive and be able to give it my full attention. Which means when I have joyous experiences and things I want to celebrate mixed in with times of sadness or disappointment, I can find it hard to allow the things to co-exist. Because of my hypervigilance to any thing that could be a threat (physical or psychological), I’m more likely to focus on the difficult things as a way of trying to keep myself safe.

Alongside this is also the part that feels like if I’m not telling the whole truth, then I must be lying (something that goes against my core values). Even though I know that most people only share curated parts of their lives and I have no problem with this, I struggle to make the same allowances for myself. So to celebrate a success, without including everything else can feel dishonest and when I can’t or don’t want to share the other stuff, I get stuck in sharing nothing.

Then there is the constant worry that I will transgress some social rule that I have misunderstood (or didn’t know existed). That I will take up too much space by ‘showing off’ or ‘thinking I’m better than I am’. There is vulnerability in visibility, of being told I’ve got it wrong (again), of having my intent being misinterpreted by others, because of my autistic communication style.

Or even worse, of being judged as not worthy of my good fortune.

It is here that the feelings of being an imposter really take hold! As my ‘not good enough’ narrative winds itself up all ready to go. Because who am I to think I can write a book?

This means, that in order to pre-empt a negative reactions from others, good news is often hidden away amongst the not so good (it’s like a reverse shit-sandwich).

There’s this crappy thing going on, also I did an awesome thing, but I’m also going through this sad thing.

All of these things mean that the celebrations often get lost, and while this can feel safer, it also makes it much harder to recognise and enjoy the positives - whatever they are.

Which is why I am very bad at sharing good news and, unsurprisingly, this makes marketing my business (which is mostly about marketing me) very hard.

Most announcements or launches come with much more of a whimper than a bang, and often don’t really feel like me, because I’m too busy trying to hide and stay safe. Even though I know there are people who really believe in what I’m doing and who want to hear about all the new things, I am constantly trying to find the way that honours who I am and my needs, with wanting to make my business sustainable.

Which feels particularly ridiculous when I spend so much of my work encouraging ND folk to take up space, to talk about their needs, to be seen and to acknowledge that the helpful and the hard often co-exist in our lives.

My model of wellbeing¹ (which is the core of my book) is based on the idea that we are always existing in the tension of the things that move us up towards balance and the things that pull us down towards burnout. The exercises and resources that will be in it are all about recognising and understanding the tensions so you can build a sustainable and balanced life.

Yet, despite not only knowing this, but truly believing in it, I can still find myself leaning more into the things that are hard, away from the things that bring me joy.

Which is probably why I had to go back and write this piece so many times, before I could put my good news at the beginning, rather than burying it at the end like I did in my last post.

So once again I am going to proclaim loudly that…

I got a book deal!

Just in case any of you missed it.²

Because I firmly believe that I have to practice what I preach. If I don’t live the values and ideas I share with my clients (in the way that works for my own ND brain), then how can I ask them to trust me to support them to figure out how it might work for them.

It means sitting with the discomfort of doing something differently, and living with the messiness of trying to figure it out as I go. Which means taking the time to soothe the parts of me that find it scary and get dysregulated when I do new and different things (which is why I’ll be going for a swim after I hit publish, rather than sitting in front of my computer waiting to see the response).

I’m excited and terrified of what happens next as I enter into the strange new world that this experience seems to be opening up. But I keep reminding myself that when I can tolerate holding these two emotions at the same time, the most magical things can happen.

Thank you for reading until the end!

I’d love to know if any of this post resonated with you, please leave a comment, share or restack.

And take this as your invitation to share and celebrate your own wins!

1. You can read about it here https://curiosityspot.substack.com/p/moving-from-burnout-to-balance

2. And I’m not going to caveat it, by sharing any of the more challenging things that have been going on over the last couple of months.