This has been a challenge, as my kid talks more, people expect him to have consistent language to spoken language. That’s not how it works. “Use your words.” is not always an option.
For myself, I tend to shut down (not speak) when I am overstimulated. Growing up my family respected that and gave me space. My husband has a very difficult time understanding this and I’ve noticed if I am pressed into verbal language during a shutdown it inverts the experience and suddenly I am melting down.
Once I had this aha moment I’ve talked with him about the necessity and function of the shut down. It’s like a turtle retreating into its shell. It’s an intuitive coping strategy. If that doesn’t work. If someone rams a stick into the turtle shell and pokes my squishy body I become a nuclear bomb. My ability to regulate emotions is completely gone at that time. And I hate that feeling.
Verbal language isn’t always necessary and it isn’t urgent. It can and should wait when the individual is not at capacity to do so.
I was shamed a lot for my inability to verbalise consistently when I was younger, learning about shutdowns, helped it all make sense to me and gave me the ability to explain what was happening to others so I can get the support.
I really resonate with that idea of the turtle, if I'm poked or pulled out of it prematurely then explosions are likely. It's always compassion and kindness that help!
I often really struggle with spoken conversations and verbalising using mouth words too. It’s one of my biggest struggles with folks. But people can also find my written communication blunt… so it doesn’t work on either end 😅🤷🏻♀️ some people are just not my people I guess
I also love Audre Lord, so many of her essays are just bang on the money and I don’t know if that’s amazing or heartbreaking that they’re still so relevant today
Yes, I feel this. Learning about the theory of Double Empathy really helped me reframe these mismatched conversations as not being about my lack, but just a difference in communication.
I remember first reading Audre Lorde and recognising that so much was still relevant.
I believe language is very powerful. I also recently wrote about an aspect of this topic on my Substack. Before I discovered and was diagnosed as AuDHD, I used to believe that there was something "fundamentally wrong with me." As a young child, I literally recall telling my mother that I wish I could unscrew my head and put someone else's brain in its place instead of mine. I had so much self loathing and self hatred based on being constantly misunderstood and misinterpreted. Not to mention, I was bullied, mocked, teased, and belittled constantly by both my peers and adults. As a school aged child, I had no friends, adults didn't get me, and my parents were absent. I felt totally alone.
A couple of years ago when I finally received my diagnoses (and affirmations of my neurotype). I broke down and cried. Not because I was sad. No! Because finally I felt seen and validated. I began to read everything I could about neurodivergence and my unique neurotypes. I learned about the neurodiversity movement and the importance of language. And, I felt empowered.
I still struggle with aspects of low self-esteem, self-acceptance, and self-confidence. However, receiving my validation and changing the perspective from a language of "pathology" to a language of positive difference has been tremendously vital and important in my healing journey.
I'm now exploring ways to share my story and help others so they don't have to suffer like I did for decades. Thank you, again for sharing your insights.
I have seen this play out with my daughter when she is stressed or tired - words and sentences escape her. She judges herself for it and this is not helped with an impatient world. We use empathy and compassion and space to allow her time to find her way. I love that you speak of language changing the pathology paradigm - so good. Embracing differences as the gifts they are ✨
"It’s one of my warning signs that I am in danger of moving towards a shutdown or meltdown, and as someone who loves language it can feel pretty scary when it happens" This paragraph hit me like a sucker punch, because I could have written it. For years people have felt I've been giving them silent treatment when the truth is I just lose the ability to speak. Thanks for sharing!
I'm so pleased to hear it resonated, I'm a big fan of sharing our experiences as a community. It was the thing that helped me most when I started exploring my neurodivergence
I am currently experiencing something similar here myself, and like you, I adore words and language reframes to aid my kind of communication that draws others like me to my values and vibe.
There are lots of external emotions here lately. I am saturating myself with them, and it is blocking me and my own communication, and ironically, it occurs typically in my atypicality when I am needed to write content about neurodivergent communication differences and more!
And my verbal suppression has led to a writer block on the topic, so maybe reading this as a reminder to regulate will release it, and so I need to leave it alone for now, recover, and rest. Very relatable piece, Louise, so thanks again for sharing.
So pleased you connected (although not that it's because you're having a tough time with words). Kindness and compassion is usually the answer, it creates more possibilities than pushing against our boundaries. I hope you're able to attend to your needs in a way that is nourishing for you.
I’ll spare you the info dump on my favourite theorists - I'm here for the info dump. Would enjoy you sharing some of you want to 😊
"Because being able to name it, gives us the opportunity to communicate and advocate for our needs. An opportunity to not be alone with what is going on."
Yes to this - I'm musing on and writing about this in relation to Atlas of the Heart and the language we all need around emotions and experiences. It's so important to be able to understand ourselves and connect with others on it. If you don't have the language, then regardless of how it's communicated, it can be isolating.
I too can struggle with my voice and I don't think I've ever paused enough to see when it happens what the why might be behind or around it.
There are two different types of issues I have with verbal communication, lack of, difficulty with: one is definitely from my primary care giver being overpowering, not giving me time, space or a safe space to speak so I then can't, don't, or I struggle and it takes me a long time which then only makes things worse because she gets impatient which means I shut down more. Two if I'm overwhelmed, haven't had time to process, is communicating a need, or haven't had time to prepare I can stutter, take a long time to form words and or form sentences and depending on the situation if I'm then self conscious of this 'slowness' in communicating it can be more nearly impossible so speak unless I can shift gears somehow.
I think the frustration and irony is, ever since I was ~2 years old I've been good at talking, using language, conveying ideas, and I am a generally strong, intellectual communicator, with a very large vocabulary. So for the most part it's hard for anyone who's never spent very long with me to comprehend or understand the occasions or periods where I am almost the opposite.
But I'm still learning what's from where in terms of neurodivergence, childhood experiences and just my traits etc. I.e. how much verbal communicating was forced/expected, how much perception of oneself is tied up in verbal communication etc.
Thanks for sharing this and creating more thought on this for myself.
Thanks for such a thoughtful reply. The untangling all the what's and where's ca take up a lot of time and energy. I know sometimes its a really important part of my process (I really benefit from knowing the why), but I have learnt that sometimes it's more helpful for me to skip to the what's helpful when it happens. These days I try and weave the two together because I know they support each other.
I'm now composing my top ten theorists in my head, the info dump might have to wait until I can construct a mid 90s style Top of the Pops countdown (which may well become my next hyperfocus).
Thank you for the clear description of the 'and yet' of being a person who loves and thrives on words, but also at times struggles with verbal communication. REALLY helpful ...
Learning that my spikey profile wasn't static and that what was possible for me shifted and changed was such an important part of my journey to come to know my neurodivergent self.
This has been a challenge, as my kid talks more, people expect him to have consistent language to spoken language. That’s not how it works. “Use your words.” is not always an option.
For myself, I tend to shut down (not speak) when I am overstimulated. Growing up my family respected that and gave me space. My husband has a very difficult time understanding this and I’ve noticed if I am pressed into verbal language during a shutdown it inverts the experience and suddenly I am melting down.
Once I had this aha moment I’ve talked with him about the necessity and function of the shut down. It’s like a turtle retreating into its shell. It’s an intuitive coping strategy. If that doesn’t work. If someone rams a stick into the turtle shell and pokes my squishy body I become a nuclear bomb. My ability to regulate emotions is completely gone at that time. And I hate that feeling.
Verbal language isn’t always necessary and it isn’t urgent. It can and should wait when the individual is not at capacity to do so.
So well put Sarah.
I was shamed a lot for my inability to verbalise consistently when I was younger, learning about shutdowns, helped it all make sense to me and gave me the ability to explain what was happening to others so I can get the support.
I really resonate with that idea of the turtle, if I'm poked or pulled out of it prematurely then explosions are likely. It's always compassion and kindness that help!
I often really struggle with spoken conversations and verbalising using mouth words too. It’s one of my biggest struggles with folks. But people can also find my written communication blunt… so it doesn’t work on either end 😅🤷🏻♀️ some people are just not my people I guess
I also love Audre Lord, so many of her essays are just bang on the money and I don’t know if that’s amazing or heartbreaking that they’re still so relevant today
Yes, I feel this. Learning about the theory of Double Empathy really helped me reframe these mismatched conversations as not being about my lack, but just a difference in communication.
I remember first reading Audre Lorde and recognising that so much was still relevant.
Thank you, Louise.
I believe language is very powerful. I also recently wrote about an aspect of this topic on my Substack. Before I discovered and was diagnosed as AuDHD, I used to believe that there was something "fundamentally wrong with me." As a young child, I literally recall telling my mother that I wish I could unscrew my head and put someone else's brain in its place instead of mine. I had so much self loathing and self hatred based on being constantly misunderstood and misinterpreted. Not to mention, I was bullied, mocked, teased, and belittled constantly by both my peers and adults. As a school aged child, I had no friends, adults didn't get me, and my parents were absent. I felt totally alone.
A couple of years ago when I finally received my diagnoses (and affirmations of my neurotype). I broke down and cried. Not because I was sad. No! Because finally I felt seen and validated. I began to read everything I could about neurodivergence and my unique neurotypes. I learned about the neurodiversity movement and the importance of language. And, I felt empowered.
I still struggle with aspects of low self-esteem, self-acceptance, and self-confidence. However, receiving my validation and changing the perspective from a language of "pathology" to a language of positive difference has been tremendously vital and important in my healing journey.
I'm now exploring ways to share my story and help others so they don't have to suffer like I did for decades. Thank you, again for sharing your insights.
I have seen this play out with my daughter when she is stressed or tired - words and sentences escape her. She judges herself for it and this is not helped with an impatient world. We use empathy and compassion and space to allow her time to find her way. I love that you speak of language changing the pathology paradigm - so good. Embracing differences as the gifts they are ✨
Compassion and kindness are so often the answer, I'm so pleased your daughter gets that support
"It’s one of my warning signs that I am in danger of moving towards a shutdown or meltdown, and as someone who loves language it can feel pretty scary when it happens" This paragraph hit me like a sucker punch, because I could have written it. For years people have felt I've been giving them silent treatment when the truth is I just lose the ability to speak. Thanks for sharing!
I'm so pleased to hear it resonated, I'm a big fan of sharing our experiences as a community. It was the thing that helped me most when I started exploring my neurodivergence
I am currently experiencing something similar here myself, and like you, I adore words and language reframes to aid my kind of communication that draws others like me to my values and vibe.
There are lots of external emotions here lately. I am saturating myself with them, and it is blocking me and my own communication, and ironically, it occurs typically in my atypicality when I am needed to write content about neurodivergent communication differences and more!
And my verbal suppression has led to a writer block on the topic, so maybe reading this as a reminder to regulate will release it, and so I need to leave it alone for now, recover, and rest. Very relatable piece, Louise, so thanks again for sharing.
So pleased you connected (although not that it's because you're having a tough time with words). Kindness and compassion is usually the answer, it creates more possibilities than pushing against our boundaries. I hope you're able to attend to your needs in a way that is nourishing for you.
I’ll spare you the info dump on my favourite theorists - I'm here for the info dump. Would enjoy you sharing some of you want to 😊
"Because being able to name it, gives us the opportunity to communicate and advocate for our needs. An opportunity to not be alone with what is going on."
Yes to this - I'm musing on and writing about this in relation to Atlas of the Heart and the language we all need around emotions and experiences. It's so important to be able to understand ourselves and connect with others on it. If you don't have the language, then regardless of how it's communicated, it can be isolating.
I too can struggle with my voice and I don't think I've ever paused enough to see when it happens what the why might be behind or around it.
There are two different types of issues I have with verbal communication, lack of, difficulty with: one is definitely from my primary care giver being overpowering, not giving me time, space or a safe space to speak so I then can't, don't, or I struggle and it takes me a long time which then only makes things worse because she gets impatient which means I shut down more. Two if I'm overwhelmed, haven't had time to process, is communicating a need, or haven't had time to prepare I can stutter, take a long time to form words and or form sentences and depending on the situation if I'm then self conscious of this 'slowness' in communicating it can be more nearly impossible so speak unless I can shift gears somehow.
I think the frustration and irony is, ever since I was ~2 years old I've been good at talking, using language, conveying ideas, and I am a generally strong, intellectual communicator, with a very large vocabulary. So for the most part it's hard for anyone who's never spent very long with me to comprehend or understand the occasions or periods where I am almost the opposite.
But I'm still learning what's from where in terms of neurodivergence, childhood experiences and just my traits etc. I.e. how much verbal communicating was forced/expected, how much perception of oneself is tied up in verbal communication etc.
Thanks for sharing this and creating more thought on this for myself.
Thanks for such a thoughtful reply. The untangling all the what's and where's ca take up a lot of time and energy. I know sometimes its a really important part of my process (I really benefit from knowing the why), but I have learnt that sometimes it's more helpful for me to skip to the what's helpful when it happens. These days I try and weave the two together because I know they support each other.
I'm now composing my top ten theorists in my head, the info dump might have to wait until I can construct a mid 90s style Top of the Pops countdown (which may well become my next hyperfocus).
How about a NOW THATS WHAT I CALL THEORISTS 😆
😆😆
Thank you for the clear description of the 'and yet' of being a person who loves and thrives on words, but also at times struggles with verbal communication. REALLY helpful ...
Blessings
Learning that my spikey profile wasn't static and that what was possible for me shifted and changed was such an important part of my journey to come to know my neurodivergent self.
I'm so pleased you found this helpful.